“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened” Mark Twain
This quote from Mark Twain really resonates with me, I wonder if it does with you. When I think about the times in my life when I have worried, very often the outcome wasn’t as bad as I thought, or didn’t even happen. There are times and situations in my life when I have been fully aware that I am worried, and often there is a something happening that is worrying or anxiety provoking. It may be a house move or a new job or an exam, you could add any number of things to this list. At the time I just got stuck in a worry loop.
Then there were times when I didn’t notice that I was worried. I would have a vague sense of being out of sorts or notice I was more irritated, and it seemed to come from nowhere. Days later I would realise that I was worried about something and understood what it was. For a significant time in my life I didn’t even notice when I was worried about something. With patience, therapy and learning what works that has changed.
Growing up in a household where the adults are anxious or even going through a very stressful period in our lives can leave us with what I call a “worry habit”. Have you ever heard that expression “Oh they are a born worrier” – yet is that true? The statement implies it is a given and there is nothing you can do about it. There are just some people who worry and then there are others who don’t. Yet in my mind it is much more complex than that, and an understanding of how our mind/brain works alongside some self-awareness and reflection can give us the tools to react differently, to find ways to support ourselves and in turn improve our mental health.
What is Worry?
In researching this I looked up the definition of worry, and very often it is confusing as to the difference between worry and anxiety. To a certain extent they are similar, however it is how you experience them that can differ. Worrying is often seen as less debilitating than anxiety. Worrying has certain characteristics, very often it involves what is known as rumination or a focus on one thing. The problem or situation which has triggered the worry, dominates our thoughts. We often worry about something specific whereas anxiety can become a way of being, where your ability to engage in daily life is severely impacted.
One characteristic of worrying is that it comes with a sense of being stuck and a feeling of being powerless. Have you ever taken the time to notice how worry impacts your body and your mind. Often, we are just repeating the same thoughts and having the same conversations. We can feel trapped in a situation with no possibility of a solution or of change. Often it is because in that moment we are facing uncertainty, there is an unknown and we don’t have a solution, and our thinking becomes distorted. Have you noticed that when you worry your thinking becomes very black and white and narrow, we jump to conclusions, and we start catastrophising. The problem then becomes our bodies start to react to these thoughts as though they are true. An example might be if you are looking for a new job, your thinking might take you to the darkest place and you end up feeling you will never have a job, ever.
Any of this sound familiar? Worrying rarely leads to solutions; we often end up focused on the problem and can’t see other options. Our responses to worry are habitual unless we begin to make conscious decisions to change them.
How do I stop myself from Worrying
The reality is that we can’t stop ourselves from worrying, what we can do is take steps to look after ourselves differently when we do worry. There can be so many different reasons why someone worries, what is more important is what you choose to do when you realise you are worried.
The first and I would say most important thing is to notice that you are worried about something. We vary but sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t, notice the fact that we are worried. There is a saying by Dan Siegel which is “name it to tame it”, this works on the principle that once we name something it gets easier, it is a first step. Learn the signs that you have started to worry about something, you might notice that you tend to reach for cake or sweet things, or it might be that you start avoiding things. Procrastinating is often a clue that you are worried. You might notice that you are finding it difficult to settle or you are avoiding certain tasks. Spending time on the internet just scrolling and going down the Youtube video rabbit hole is another.
Once you are aware that you are worried, can you articulate exactly what it is you are worried about, rather than it being vague? Often it helps to talk it through with someone who will listen, and not necessarily provide the solution. If you don’t want to talk writing it down helps. Then you know what the problem is, and you can begin to start to focus on what a solution might be. Be aware of the thoughts you are having and notice if you are believing them.
Often it is a difficult situation and offering yourself some compassion is helpful. Some situations are challenging and can leave us with uncomfortable and difficult feelings. Can you allow yourself to feel how you feel without judgement and show yourself the same kindness and compassion as you would someone else?
Focus on what in the situation is under your control, what if anything, you can do. If there is nothing, then maybe it is a time to increase your self-care. If you are avoiding something as you are worried about doing it, is there someone who can help you, or can you find out more information. Maybe just start and do one thing.
Exercise is great for when we are stuck in a worry loop, a run, a walk or doing some yoga. You might even try a meditation, there are several good ones on youtube, or download an app. Begin to know and understand what works for you, some people find reading a book or doing a jigsaw helps refocus the mind and distract it for a period of time. Then the mind can work and have space to find a different perspective.
Know that to worry is to be human, however you don’t have to stay there. Another quote that I often share with clients that I find helpful, comes from a character in the film The Bridge of Spies. The character is a spy in court in America and his lawyer turns to him and says, “Aren’t you worried?” and his reply is “Would it help?”. There is a lot of truth in that, worry alone is a very stuck place that rarely helps, it might be more useful to think about it as a signal that something is bothering you and needs a solution. It is an invitation to focus on options rather than problems, and it helps if you don’t believe your negative thoughts.
If you find you are struggling with worry and it is impacting your life negatively then reach out for help, either through your GP or other mental health professional.
